x97 (truth)

(Editor’s Note: The names, genders, and identities of all parties involved have been changed – please see “What It Feels Like To Think You’ve Repressed A Memory…” if you’re confused.)

For the longest time, I wanted it to be true.

I wanted that validation.

I didn’t want to be crazy, or delusional. I wanted to be right. I wanted to scream in people’s faces, “SEE? I told you so!”

I wanted to have a “legitimate” reason to suffer. I wanted to have a “legitimate” reason behind the not showering, and the nightmares, and the crippling, paralyzing fear.

Now, though? I’m not so sure.

BARCC is on my speed dial. I’m sick of calling them with the same questions, looking for the same validations.

I’m sick of having to find a new therapist so I can finally work through this in therapy.

I don’t know if I want it to be true anymore.

I know that something happened Chris, Jessie, and Dale. Dale told me, “Something happened. Chris and Jessie were able to forgive him; I was not.” That something could have been sexual abuse. Or it could have been something different. It could have been that “something” was going to jail via a plea bargain after he was accused of raping someone.  It could be a generally rough childhood that didn’t include sexual abuse. I don’t know. And judging my relationship with Dale and his unwillingness to talk to me, I probably will never know.

The further I get from that December, the fuzzier things seem.

I want to pretend December never happened. I want to ignore my fears and my inability to trust and just pretend it was nothing.

I don’t know if I want it to be true anymore.

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