x105 (medication, part two)

Sometimes, things get dark in my mind. And then I become less confident and more panicked. I start to feel more worthless and less whole. Recently, when this happened to me, I came to a disturbing conclusion:

I am a monster when I am not on medication.

I mean, it must be true, right? Because why else would they insist that they had to keep me on the stuff if it wasn’t?

I think about the way things unfolded during the five month period in 2011. The mistakes I made. The way I treated people. The way that it was automatically assumed that because I have bipolar disorder (which, sometimes I wonder if I even do) I was manic. Was I manic? Did I just fucking lose it? Is there any way to justify the infidelity, or the massive text bombs, or the reaching out to people I maybe shouldn’t have reached out to, and the driving people away, or the breakdowns and the panic and the debilitating anxiety?

I am a monster when I am not on medication.

It is the only conclusion I can come to.

So it must be true.

I am a monster.

 

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7 responses to “x105 (medication, part two)

  1. I hit Like but I don’t really Like you calling yourself a Monster. You have an illness that requires treatment. Left untreated, your behavior can definitely become erratic. How about some compassion? 🙂

    • I definitely feel the compassion now, and thank you for your kind words! When I wrote this I was in a pretty dark place, and I opted to share it so other people in that place wouldn’t feel so alone.

  2. you are not a monster my dear. you are a warrior fighting through a jungle of confusion and hurt. The medication are just your helmet and shield to help you bear the brunt of the attacks. They help you to continue forward. Sending you a big warm hug

  3. As the others have said, you are not a monster. My I could feel my heart beating in my chest while reading your medication entries because they resonated so much with me. I felt like I could have written those posts. I have also questioned the Bipolar, I think I will always question it even though I know it’s true. I know positively I need the medications, the thought of not having them is actually terrifying. I too, felt guilty about everything that has happened during my the “really unfortunate time” and I feel like a monster too. Maybe I even used that word. I had to go on disability. That was humbling. Anyway sorry for spewing my life story but I want you to know you are not the only one. Your feelings are real, they are shared, and time passes and you eventually accept it, and can forgive yourself. Enough time has passed that I have eventually been able to forgive myself. I still feel worried about being on my meds and wish I didn’t need them. But acceptance is the best place to be.

    • I’m so glad you were able to relate to what I wrote! That’s why I try to put it out there. Eventually (with some help from therapy, I’m sure) I’ll get to that point where I can accept it.

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