x106 (poisonous sleep)

I have this habit that I’d like to share with you. And the reason I’m sharing it is because, I think some of you might do the same thing.

If I’m tired – whether it be during the afternoon when I lay down for a nap, at night as I’m trying to fall asleep, or in the morning when I’m groggy and thinking “just five more minutes” before the alarm goes off – that’s when it happens.

The poisonous thoughts.

The suicidal thoughts.

The dark thoughts.

The negative thoughts.

It’s their favorite time to come out and play.

I don’t know what it is about being left to my own devices as I’m winding down that triggers this. I don’t know why I let my brain do this to me. But it’s a consistent and, in a way, almost comforting habit. It’s how I make sure that my self-worth remains so abysmally low. It’s how I keep myself trapped in this quagmire of pessimistic hell that is my psyche.

Something about being tired brings this down on me with full force. These thoughts barrage me en masse. I’m not sure why.

I just know I can’t be the only one.

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2 responses to “x106 (poisonous sleep)

  1. You are not the only one!!!! I have had especially awful nights where i’ve been spinning with rapid thoughts of negativity and it makes me have a really hard time getting to sleep. Thank goodness it’s not every night. Recently I’ve found a new strategy to late night thoughts. I’ve been blogging more lately and I find that helps. My strategy is: Take pills. Including sleeping pills. Then, settle into bed with blankets, etc. Then Ativan. Then blog until the computer is falling off my lap. 🙂 That usually works. haha.

    • I have a bedtime routine, too, and it usually helps… I’ve noticed it a lot more when I’m tired during the day or trying to take a nap, since I don’t have a “bedtime routine” for during the day, lol. It’s hard to keep up with all those negative thoughts! They can be super powerful. I’m glad you’ve found something that seems to help, though!

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