I called BARCC today because I was stressed about a meeting with potential abusers. People who may have abused me, but really I have no idea because I don’t remember. I only have a gut feeling, nightmares, and hearsay from other people regarding their histories.
Usually when I call BARCC, I feel better afterward. Sometimes, like today, I don’t.
And you know what?
The thing about the BARCC hotline is that it is staffed by volunteers. Granted, these are volunteers who have countless (and by “countless” I mean I am unsure of the number but believe it is 40+ hours) hours of training in human sexuality and trauma support. And what I’m going through is a complicated (although sadly common) issue. While checking in with BARCC now and again is helpful, wrestling with a potential repressed memory and painful body memories is something that is best dealt with in long term therapy. Sometimes checking in with a hotline won’t help. But for those moments when I panic, and I need help RIGHT NOW DAMNIT, I remember that the hotline members are only human.
And, y’know, I can call back in an hour and get someone else who might say the right thing.