x124 (proof)

My therapist tells me that it’s my own personal truth that matters most. However, that is not the response most people who are not sensitive to repressed memories take. When December happened, what I got so often was statements to the effect of “You need solid proof before you go to the police because these kinds of accusations could ruin someone’s life.” Even if I did have solid proof of being molested as a child, I very seriously doubt I would go to the police. My purpose in discovering information is to heal, not to prosecute. But at the same time, “my own personal truth” just isn’t good enough. How will I know if the children I plan on having in the future are safe around the people I suspect of hurting me? How will I reconcile my discomfort around people who supposedly care about me a great deal? My world has been turned upside down and I can’t shake the notion that I need solid proof to continue my healing process. I don’t want to risk cutting important people out of my life on a suspicion of something terrible. I want something concrete, but I may never get that. People who know things aren’t willing to divulge and I may never recover a memory. In the meantime, I’m left torn and confused. I often don’t know which would be worse: being right about my suspicions, or being wrong. Being in this limbo is its own unique hell on top of all of that.

I just want to know.

For my own piece of mind.

Is that too much to ask?


4 responses to “x124 (proof)

  1. I understand where you are coming from. Truth, whether it embodies positivity or negativity, is better than the unknown. When you know something for concrete fact, you can adjust your healing path accordingly. Without answers, you may as well draw in the dark, for how effectively trying to work past something you don’t have the facts on.

    I am very sorry for your struggle, and I sincerely hope you find the answers you are looking for. For what it’s worth, you are not alone.

    • I’m so sorry you’re going through that as well. I hope you find peace and solace (and I hope the same for me!) Thanks for your solidarity.

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