x130 (seeing his face)

Whenever I see him, or his son – his spitting image – I get slightly triggered.

For the most part, I don’t get triggered much anymore. There are certain personal activities that are uncomfortable, and I wish they weren’t. But unless I have a nightmare or see him or his son, I’m physically fine.

Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Not so much.

I want this to be behind me. I feel like all I do is complain about it. I’m not sure anymore if something happened. There was the issue I named as sexual trauma at the onset, the one I clearly remember, but as more time passes, more doubt surfaces. I’m not sure if anything else – anything more clearly defined as sexual trauma or abuse – has happened. Certainly the possibility of a repressed memory is traumatic enough, regardless of whether or not it’s true.

We haven’t done EMDR in therapy for several sessions now. My therapist suggested I look up his criminal record, because I know he has one, in the hopes I would get more answers. But I’m not even sure where to start looking. I’ve tried reaching out to one person who may know something, but we’re not on good terms and I’m not even sure I have the right phone number. I’m afraid to ask anyone else. Afraid to muddy the waters.

And every time I see his face, or his son’s face, I wonder…

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