Image by Tengrain, used with Creative Commons License
I really wanted to write something about the Duggar scandal. I even looked into a note I published on Facebook in 2011 when the Penn State scandal broke out. I don’t agree with a lot of what I wrote then, but I thought it was worth sharing and comparing to my current opinions. I ended up deleting the Facebook account I had at the time and creating a new one because a lot of that note was based off of comments I left on other people’s statuses and I was so embarrassed about putting myself out there like that. Now, I blog about what happened to me and I link to that blog on Facebook. I have a courage now that I didn’t back then. But overall, I’m just too overwhelmed to address the issue. There are too many strong and confusing emotions. It brings up a lot of tough stuff for me, and makes me question my own validity as a survivor. What if the initial issue isn’t as serious as I think it is? What if there’s no repressed memory, and I’m just crazy? What if I’m not a survivor after all? Should I feel terrible for claiming to have been sexually abused when it turns out I was just being sensitive, overreacting, and it was all in my head? I remember when I was first coping with my trauma, and my first response was to be overly sensitive to the situation of the offenders. I wanted to forgive them and help them to get better. It makes me feel bad for Josh Duggar, while at the same time I empathize with his victims and think what he did was terrible.
I just wish this was easier. For me, and for Josh Duggar’s victims. I wish that the statistics – 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men – weren’t so alarming. I wish it never happened to me, to Josh Duggar’s victims, or to any of us. And I wish it was easier to talk about this and heal from it.